My second failed pregnancy (pregnancy confirmed by doctor)

After my first failed pregnancy on August 2012, I fell pregnant for the second time on February 2013.

I felt queasy, moody, headaches, fatigue, feeling warm, sometimes feeling hot till i sweat, feeling full in the uterus, watery cervical mucus (a lot!), and so much more, you just name it! All these symptoms made me curious. On that particular month, I had to buy more than 5 pregnancy tests before I got my first BFP, a very faint line. I mean, very faint. Sometimes I had to go round the balcony where I could find the maximum beam of light, holding the test in my hand and squeeze my eyes real bad to make sure the second line was not an illusion.

Of course we were happy !! Both my husband and I were in the cloud !!! But not for long...

One night when I went into the toilet to pee, there was this one huge glob of thick creamish yellowish jellyish glob of mucus came out from you-know-what. I reached it out and felt it. It sure felt like jelly. I was a google freak, so I went out and googled. Some said it was a part of the mucus plug which kept my cervix closed and sealed, to protect the baby inside the uterus.

So I peacefully went back to sleep, still under the cloud.

Tomorrow nya, after fetching my nephews from school around noon, I noticed ada dark brown blood clot, not much, but enough to made me "kusut". I gembirakan hati and said, maybe it was just implantation bleeding. I googled again and yes, they said implantation bleeding can also be seen few days after a BFP. But still, I didn't feel good about it. So I decided to go to the Emergency because I learnt from my first mistake. This time, I wanted to act fast. I wanted to make sure that the bleeding was just from the implantation, and nothing else.

At the emergency, waited for HOURS. Siapa tak kenal, EMERGENCY kat Brunei ni dah mcm OUT PATIENT dah. Have to wait berjam2 baru dpt jumpa doktor. STUPID kan.

So bila dpt jumpa A&E nurse, he asked me to collect my urine and tunggu kat dalam. Kat dalam, they withdraw my blood, and they referred me to Ward 12, tempat mana mereka suruh tunggu keputusan darah dan admit. I didnt wanna be admitted at first because kat office masih byk kerja nak settle (bodohkan saya?).

Blood result was ready. The doctor said, congratulations, your HCG level is now 21, you are pregnant, no need to worry about the blood and so on, just rest a lot. Woah....what a relief! She did the abdominal and transvaginal ultrasound however to check for fetus. Nothing. So she came up with 3 possibilities:

Either it was still too early, miscarried or it was an ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy that happens outside the uterus)

She asked me to get back to the ward after 2 days for another blood withdrawal, which I did.

By right, if your pregnancy was progressing healthily, your HCG level should double up within 36-48hours.
Mine? My level dropped from 21 to 9, which indicated that I just miscarried. The doctor didn't seem to care. For her it was normal.

Oh, actually 1 month before I knew I was pregnant, they checked my blood and found out I was releasing very few Progesterone. My Progesterone level was low, and in order to keep a pregnancy, your Progesterone level should be high.

So I talked to the Doctor I said to her I need the Progesterone Pill (at that time, little that I know that taking in Progesterone when you miscarried wont help resolving the issue).  Tau tak doktor tu cakap apa?

"We only give out Progesterone Pills to those who miscarried more than 3 times"

WTF. I hated the way she responded. I was really angry at that time, but it didn't show. So went home as usual, and I cried my eyes out that evening. Oh...that evening juga, I had heavy bleeding. Took a picture of it. Showed to my mum, and she didnt seem to care too. Dalam family I, I have to say that most of the family members lack of sympathy / empathy. Maybe it was just how we were being raised. My mother got pregnant 10 times and never experienced miscarriage. So I thought she would never understand how I felt.

The only person who understand me was my cousin. She's 3 years younger than me and have already 2 kids. I really love her, I really do!!

My husband, erm...let us just say that MEN are not so good at expressing their feelings... SAD !